Never underestimate the importance of boundaries.

When you don't take them you finish upwards either walking all over the people in your life or getting walked on. Savvy stepfamilies brand sure neither of these things happens in their homes!

You know the maxim 'cull your battles'? Recognition that you, equally a stepparent, become to have a say in any human relationship you're involved in and are also a valid part of the parenting that occurs in your home is the  boxing to choose when information technology comes to creating a successful stepfamily. This is all about boundaries and, as a stepparent, understanding the departure between salubrious and unhealthy boundaries is crucial.

Salubrious boundaries are important for cocky-care, in improving our relationship with our partner and help us serve as a role model for our stepchildren'south future understanding of healthy relationships. Equally is noted by writer Bradley Due south. Craig Bradley in "Between 2 Homes, A Coparenting Handbook", with healthy boundaries "you lot are aware of which emotions, thoughts and feelings vest to and employ to you and which belong to someone else", such as your stepchild, partner or their Ex.

There may be a few fronts on which the Boundary battle needs to be fought.

Your partner

No affair how wonderful your partner, they may inadvertently make an assumption that they are 'the showtime among equals' because of their biological connection to the children. This blazon of assumption has caused the expiry of many a stepfamily! Not asking for your input in relation to decisions that impact on y'all or over-riding your decisions (without consulting you) is toxic for both you and the stepkids. Want to know why? Take a look at our "Solid as a Rock" post. Successful stepparenting takes two – you and your partner -good communication and bang-up team piece of work.  In terms of boundaries this is all most you beingness clear with your partner that you expect the two of you to talk about arrangements that involve or affect you lot beforehand without involving the children or the Ex.

The stepkids

At that place may be times than rather than delegating yous to outsider status, your stepkids secretly (or non so secretly) wish you didn't even be. And, if nosotros are truthful, there may be times where that feeling goes both ways. You and your stepkids don't accept to like each other, simply yous do need to be polite and civil to each other. That ways no ignoring and pretending the other doesn't exist. Here the purlieus might be that you will acknowledge each other when you first see one another in the morning and say good night earlier bed, use your manners when asking the other to do something or to assist out and refer to i some other past name or canonical nickname in conversation. It'due south your task every bit an adult, to function model the correct way to comport. Information technology's your partner'due south job to brand sure this expectation is clearly articulated to everyone. It's both of your jobs to enforce civility in your household.

The ex

Every bit Valerie DeLoach stated in her Huffington Postal service article 'Parents and Footstep-parents: Where is the boundary line?':

Information technology's much easier emotionally as a mother [or begetter] to designate the function of the step-parent as one of someone who sits on the sidelines and smiles at the advisable times, but nothing more. A stride-parent worth a grain of salt would never settle to be merely a "cheerleader". Ane day, my ex plainly said "I need her [the stepmother] included in the emails because she plays a major role in picking up the kids and getting them where they demand to be and she needs to know if the calendar will piece of work out for all of usa." [Insert my blank, idiotic and sheepish look here] I felt like a fool.

Until that moment, I had not seen her [the stepmother] equally a valid part of our parenting organisation.

Your partner needs to explain to their Ex that you are a participant – not just an observer – in the childrens' lives. This does not by any means give you license to take liberties. All mean solar day-to-24-hour interval decisions around your stepkids need to exist discussed with your partner and all major decisions require consultation with their other parent prior to anything occurring.

In terms of the Ex, another instance of an appropriate boundary may include the expectation that at changeovers, the Ex will not enter your habitation and/or personal space with being invited in.

It's not always easy to know where the purlieus is for stepfamilies, merely believe us – y'all'll know when information technology's been crossed!

What'southward of import to remember is that yous are simply responsible for your own feelings and emotions. You cannot make someone else feel anything and information technology's of import to set limits. Accepting and embracing that you are a participant in your stepchildren's lives and the loving partner of their female parent or father goes a long way to creating a stepfamily and life you love. Savvy stepparents aren't trying to exist someone else. They know they are pretty crawly just being themselves and they have boundaries in place that reflect and support this.

We'd love to hear how you are setting boundaries in your stepfamily. Allow u.s. know in the comments below.